Monday, December 14, 2009

What A Day!

Within two hours on Monday, the Seattle sports scene gained a 2010 Heisman candidate and a 2010 Cy Young candidate. I guess this really is the most wonderful time of the year. It's like being those two con artists who crashed the White House state dinner and being told that all is forgotten...and you're being named co-secretaries of the newly established "Party Planning Committee" for the White House.



On the same day ESPN's Todd McShay projected him as the top pick for the 2010 NFL Draft, Washington Huskies quarterback Jake Locker opted to forgo millions of dollars to try and establish himself as a Husky legend for his senior season.

Coming off an unreal game against then #19 Cal where he gave fans a glimpse of how good he could be, Locker is poised to lead the Huskies to what will hopefully be their best season since 2000.

As far as the Mariners stunning trade for Cliff Lee, the only question that remains is when can we erect a bronze statue in front of Safeco Field for GM Jack Zduriencik?

Coincidentally enough, I was having lunch with a fellow Mariners fan on Monday and mentioned how I was disappointed the M's didn't land Rich Harden - but figured there was some reason for holding off because Jack Z is brilliant and only makes shrewd decisions.

Upon leaving lunch, I got a text from another friend informing me that the M's just traded for Cliff Lee. I more or less reacted like Rod Tidwell in "Jerry Maguire"after finding out that he got the contract extension he wanted from Arizona. Getting Lee is that big.

The Mariners now have a 1-2 pitching duo that rivals the best in baseball. It also continues a trend by Jack Z who continues to defy the loser mentality of spending three to four years as a bottom feeder, while the franchise "rebuilds".
Lee is the perfect complement to Felix Hernandez and a young pitching staff. And with his $8.1 million salary for 2010, Lee is not only cost effective, but he has more wins from 2007-2009 than Jarrod Washburn, Miguel Batista and Double-Stuff Silva combined (Lee: 36/$30 million in annual salary: 30. Thanks, Bavasi!).

Not only that, but Jack Z is giving the big f-you to the Los Angeles Angeles of Rancho Cucamonga and Orange County. Jack Z stole their ultra versatile spark plug, Chone Figgins by signing him to a four-year free agent contract. And now the Angels have not only lost their best starter in John Lackey, but they failed to land Roy Halladay as a replacement. (To their credit, the Angels did sign Hideki Matsui. So watch out).

The Mariners still have vacancies at first base, left field and possibly third base (depending on where Figgins plays). The genius of Jack Z is not done.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Top 5 Ways Tiger Can Redeem Himself

Well it turns out that Tiger Woods is human after all.

Following a long tradition of philandering professional athletes, Tiger's admittance, and the subsequent throng of women who are coming out from every orifice, have somehow humanized him.

The carefully crafted image portraying Tiger as this Ivan Drago-esque golf tournament winning machine is obviously not entirely accurate. Who knew he was playing


Hopefully Tiger learns from his mistakes and becomes a better husband and a better father.

But until then, here are five ways Tiger can get himself back in his wife Elin's good graces:

5. Carefully state the following: "Hey, at least I'm not Phil Mickleson!"



2. Agrees to be a contestant on "Tool Academy".

1. Record Drake's"Best I Ever Had" and post it on his website. ("Elin you da best/You da fucking best/Best I ever had/Best I ever had").

Monday, November 30, 2009

Tiger's Growl

It's a given that professional athletes are magnets for all kinds of controversy. Money problems, drug abuse, physical assault, sexual assault, even murder. It's happened before. And it will happen again.

But at the bottom of the list of professional athletes most likely to become embroiled in any controversy whatsoever would be Tiger Woods. Well, at least until last Friday when news leaked that he had been "seriously" injured in a car accident.

Thanks to the media's always responsible reporting, we now know that the injuries to Tiger weren't "serious" after all. Regardless, Tiger has now gotten himself embroiled in a controversy that's about as awkward as the dude in the UPS commercials hair.

Here's my take on what happened:

Upon confessing to his wife Elin that he was having an affair, Elin picked up the nearest 9-iron she could find, and cracked Tiger in the face with it.

Stunned and staggered, Tiger made a valiant effort to reach his 2009 Escalade. Elin chased him to the car, bashed out the back window with the 9-iron and started going to work on the rest of the car.

Tiger was already in and out of consciousness when he attempted to book it in his car. So when Tiger drove into the tree, it was at a relatively slow speed. The impact itself from the car on tree collision didn't cause his facial lacerations. It was most likely from the 9-iron slamming into his head.

And that's what went down. (What can I say? I watch a lot of "Dexter").

Surely, we potentially could find out much more as to what really lead Tiger to run into a parked tree at 2:30 A.M. the morning after Thanksgiving (probably an eggnog run).

But a more likely outcome is that the ultra private Tiger will refuse to directly address the incident, instead hoping that all will be forgotten in due time.

Ray Lewis murdered a man. Kobe Bryan raped a girl. Alex Rodriguez cheated on baseball and cheated on his wife. All three won championships after their transgressions. Few people care, or even bring up the stunts they pulled.

So when Tiger is putting on the green jacket at the 2010 Masters, the first thing that will come to mind won't be, "I wonder if Tiger is an eggnogoholic?".

It will be that he's the greatest golfer who ever lived.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Not The Cy...Yet


A widely assumed rumor became fact on Wednesday when Zack Grienke, the best thing to happen to the Kansas City Royals since Danny Tartabull, won the first Cy Young by a K.C. player since Bret Saberhagen in 1989.

The vote wasn't even close. Grienke received all but three first-place nods. Two went to Felix Hernandez and one went to Justin Verlander.

And while it's hard to dispute Grienke's phenomenal season (especially his absurd 0.84 ERA and 8-1 record through his first ten starts), the overall vote should have been closer.

Now I realize I'm about as partial on this subject as Sarah Palin is to inbreeding. But King Felix pitched his ass off, and deserved more than two crappy first-place votes. If anything, he deserved to win the Cy Young as much as Grienke.

The stat boys are rejoicing that cute acronyms like VORP (Value Over Replacement Player), WPA (Win Probability Added) and WAR (Wins Above Replacement), took on more importance this year than actual wins. Be as it may, there is a place for those stats.

But the one category that seemingly every member of the voting panel ignored was the glaring difference in Meaningful Games Pitched (MGP). Okay, I made that stat up. It still should stand for something though.

Because by my count, King Felix pitched in 30 meaningful games. And time after time, Felix came through like the stud he is in those games.

Grienke pitched in one meaningful game - the final game of the season, when there was some decent chatter about how his low win total (16) might prevent him from winning the Cy Young. All Grienke did was give up four runs in six innings, en route to a no-decision.

True, it's not Grienke's fault that he played for a crap team. But the Royals would have sucked with or without Grienke. The Mariners would have sucked without Felix, but were in a pennant race until September because of him.

That simple fact apparently was lost on the voters. So Grienke winning the Cy is the baseball equivalent to Charlize Theron winning the Best Actress Oscar for "Monster". Great performance. Poor movie.

Felix picked a bad year to be great. But if 2009 is an indication of how good he can be, there will be many more Cy Young Awards for Felix to win.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

One More Year

Seattle's greatest sports icon is coming back. Again. For the second time.

Despite much speculation that Ken Griffey Jr. would come back for his 22nd big league season, nothing was certain until today when Junior and the Mariners agreed to another one-year contract.

Unlike last season when Atlanta tried to play grab ass with Griffey, the M's seemed like the only logical destination if Junior was interested in playing again.

Junior's 2009 season was a resounding success. His contributions on and off the field helped transform a franchise that was on the brink of becoming as insignificant as the Royals and the Pirates.

Generally sequels don't pan out (Ocean's 12 anyone?). But the circumstances surrounding this sequel are by and large far superior than a junk script that featured Julia Roberts playing a character who was posing as Julia Roberts.

Last year, Junior wasn't sure where, or if he would even be playing. And he made the most of his time off by indulging in his culinary interests.

Fresh off minor knee surgery, Griffey now has almost four full months to get himself into great shape for the 2010 season.

After watching Pay-Fraud win a World Series, Junior is most likely as hungry as he's ever been for the only accolade missing from his long list of accomplishments.

And if you think the M's are that far off from a World Series, think again. This team battled for 85 wins this year. GM Jack Zduriencik now has the entire off season and about $40 million that he didn't have last year to work his magic. If Jack Z can find a way to get 7-10 more wins from this team, then we're talking playoffs.

Considering Anaheim's pending roster overhaul with the possible departures of Vlad Guerrero, Chone Figgins and John Lackey, the playoffs don't seem so unlikely for the Mariners.

For all the dbags out there, bitching that Junior is taking up a roster spot, I offer the following - we're giving Carlos Silva a roster spot and an unlimited supply of Double Stuff Oreos. Last year, we wasted roster spots on guys like Yuniesky Betancourt and my heart belongs to the Ronny Cedeno.

It's not like the Mariners are taking Junior over Albert Pujols. Is there a better DH, pinch-hitting option available on the open market? Griffey showed pop, patience and infected the clubhouse with his care-free, fun-loving attitude.

There is absolutely no downside to bringing Junior back for another season. If you disagree, then you hate Seattle, hate baseball and probably hate America.

Finally, for all the other Griffey supporters out there, it has come to my attention that the Niketown in Seattle currently sports a giant picture of Roger Federer atop the building. Leave it to Seattle to feature a Swiss tennis star who has the personality of Audrina from "The Hills"to represent its city.

Federer needs to be replaced with Griffey. It's as simple as that.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Number 27


In one of the most unremarkable postseasons in baseball history, it only seems fitting that the franchise that has won 17 more World Series than any other team, captured yet another.

And truth be told, the Yankees aren't nearly as intolerable as they were in the late 90's, early 2000's. Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada and Andy Pettitte are all professionals in the truest sense.

A lot has changed in baseball since the Yankees won their last World Series. Revenue sharing has leveled the playing field enough that Phillies were the first World Series champ since the 2001 Yankees to even get a chance to defend their title in the World Series the following year.

The Red Sox have won two World Series, and their fans have overtaken Yankee fans as the most obnoxious in professional sports.

The Yanks deserved to win the World Series. They had a relentless, unforgiving offense, and a pitching staff that despite being a few arms short, dug deep and got quality innings from everyone not named Chien Ming Wang.

The only thing that is foul about this Yankees team wining the World Series is that Pay-Fraud now has the one accolade missing from his trophy case. It seems eons ago that Pay-Fraud was making up B.S. stories about his steroid abuse. How easy we forget.

After crippling the Rangers with his gargantuan contract, it didn't seem fair that Pay-Fraud got to play on the Yankees. But a funny thing happened - they couldn't win anything with him. Not only that, but Pay-Fraud routinely choked in October. It was karma.

So Pay-Fraud winning a World Series is akin to Heidi Montag winning a Grammy for Album of the Year.

And for all the hatred people have for the Yankees, one thing that can't be denied is the Yankees are good for baseball. There are as many fans who want to see the Yanks lose as there are fans who want to see them win. What other pro sports team evokes such emotions?

Just the damn Yankees.

Monday, October 19, 2009

One-Way Ticket to Japan


The Seattle Mariners spent the years 2004-2008 making mediocre and down right crappy baseball players very rich men.

Scott Spazio. Rich Aurillia. Richie Sexson. Adrian Beltre. Carl Everett. Jarrod Washburn. Miguel Batista. Jeff Weaver. Carlos Silva. Brad Wilkerson. And of course, Kenji Johjima. Hundreds of millions of dollars were showered upon these players who either completely failed to produce, or completely failed produce numbers in line with their enormous salaries.

So Monday's news that catcher Kenji Johjima would be returning to Japan, effectively leaving nearly $16 million on the table, it felt like some sort of karmic redemption.

Signed before the 2006 season, Johjima was touted as a solid offensive addition at a premium position. And while Johjima did produce good offensive numbers during his first two years in navy blue and northwest green, what offensive upgrade he provided, was negated by the fact that the language barrier between Johjima and fellow Mariners pitchers resulted in far more runs than Johjima could generate with his bat.

Johjima was a gimmick. A gimmick that got much worse once he signed a 3-year, $24 million contract extension, despite hitting .194 at the time.

The first Japanese catcher to play in the Major Leagues, Johjima presumably only garnered serious interest from the only Japanese owned baseball team (Hey, he can be a playmate for Ichiro!).


How often does a general manager get $16 million thrown his way? Michael Vick had to kill dogs in order for the Atlanta Falcons to recoup the money from his contract. The Knicks only got $2 million back from the waste known as Stephon Marbury.

Coming off a remarkable 85-win season, the Mariners are now flush with cash. Beltre, Batista, Washburn and Johjima are now all off the books. That's nearly $40 million Zduriencik has to play with. Johjima's departure is also significant because it means the only remaining bone headed contract from the Bill Bavasi era belongs to Carlos Silva.

The M's will now presumably look in house to replace Johjima. Rob Johnson calls the best game in baseball, but hits a baseball as well as Stephanie Pratt drives drunk. He's also undergoing more surgeries this offseason than MJ had in any given month.

Adam Moore has hit well in the minors, but didn't get enough at-bats during a late season call up to show he can hit consistently.

Fear not though. You know what's great about having the best GM in baseball? There's no reason to fear that he'll sign a non english speaking catcher.

Deadhawks


Despite hopes, aspirations and predictions that had the Seattle Seahawks returning to the NFC elite, it's clear the only thing relatively certain for this team is a top ten draft pick.

Six games into the Hawks 2009 season and two convincing wins have been tempered by three embarrassing blowout losses. This team, and even the organization has major fundamental issues that need to be addressed.

The offensive line has been a fatal flaw for the Seahawks since general manager Tim Ruskell screwed the pooch on the Steve Hutchinson deal in 2006. Naturally, you'd assume Ruskell would respond by signing another o-lineman. Nope. He decided to sign a wide receiver.

Ruskell wildly overpaid for the wildly overrated Nate Burleson - most believe it was retaliation against Minnesota for luring away Hutchinson. If it's any consolation, the Vikings haven't been the same team since Burleson left town. Put Burleson on their current roster and no doubt the Vikes are a NFC contender. Oh, wait.

And while we're on the subject, Burleson doesn't get a pass because he's from Seattle. I've heard way to0 many people talk about how "Nate reps for Seattle". Great that he reps for Seattle. If someone gave me $49 million, I'd rep for Kyrgyzstan. The simple fact is that the Burleson signing is a microcosm of what is plaguing a team that was in the Super Bowl four years ago.

Ruskell's subsequent personnel moves (T.J. Duckett, Julius Jones, Pat Kearney) are starting to make him look as intelligent as Balloon Boy's dad. And the whole thing with having Jim Mora as assistant to the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin never made much sense. Looks like Mora's year in training under Mike Holmgren really paid off!

Yes, the Hawks have been hampered by injuries. But every other team in the league has injuries too. What it comes down to is this Seahawks team is not very good.

And if the story of a franchise that felt emboldened by years of unprecedented success sounds familiar to Seattleites, it's because the same thing played out with the Mariners.

Lead by a new front office, the Mariners tied the record for most regular season wins in a season. Between 2000 and 2003, they averaged 98 wins a season. Then the bottom fell out.

The Seahawks underwent their front office overhaul in 2005. They made the Super Bowl that season and won the NFC West the following two years. Then the bottom fell out.

Both franchises had a formula for winning that made things seem so simple and so effortless. The problem is that the game isn't that simple. There isn't a formula for winning that will consistently work without modification. The Mariners and now the Seahawks failed to recognize that. Signing pricey free agents only works for so long.

Luckily, the Hawks have upcoming gimme games against Detroit, St. Louis, Tampa Bay and Tennessee. But a six win season doesn't cut it.

Upper management changes are necessary. Personnel changes are necessary.

This is going to get worse before it gets better.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Mariners Memories: 2009 Edition




Since my weeks are no longer filled with Mariners baseball, it only seems fitting to get nostalgic on the main reason why my writings have been so sporadic.
At the beginning of the season, I set a goal to attend 40 games. I made 42. This was solely due to Ken Griffey Jr.'s triumphant return to Seattle. And while I still saw way too many games featuring Mike Sweeney at DH instead of Junior, I definitely got my fix of Junior moments - plus a few others along the way.
So without further adieu, here are my top 9 moments from the 2009 Mariners. A new day. A new way.
9. July 9th - Franklin Gutierrez's 3-run bomb with 2 outs in the bottom of the 8th was all the M's needed in this one as Felix Hernandez battled through 8 innings of 3-hit ball to get the much deserved win.
Guess who took a 2-out walk to put Guti in position to launch his funk blast?
8. Men At Work - It only seemed fitting that on the hottest day in Seattle history, the Mariners threw their Australian import, Ryan Rowland-Smith, for the Wednesday day game at the Safe. Clearly accustomed to the extreme heat, R.R Smith was perfect through 6 innings. Aaron Hill promptly lead off the 7th with a screaming single. Then Aaron Lind belted a 2-run bomb. Just like that, the Jays were up 2-1, and they had Roy Halladay pitching. Not good.
In the bottom of the 7th, the M's got three singles to load the bases for Junior. The entire at-bat I'm thinking, "Please don't embarrass yourself here, Junior." All Junior does is crush a double (his second of the game) to right against one of the best pitchers in baseball to put the M's up 3-2. Ball game.
7. Opening Night - The marketing geniuses love to pump up how there's a difference between the home opener (day game) and opening night (night game). Following their exciting win in the home opener, the M's left nothing to chance as they absolutely annihalated LAAOC.Rocking Jackie Robinson's number 42 jersey that he helped make a league standard on Jackie Robinson Day, Junior went back-to-back with Endy Chavez. The homer gave Griffey 400 as a Mariner. And to put an exclamation point on things, in his first game of the season, Ichiballz belted a grand slam in the 7th to blow the game open. An awesome night.
6. Langerhans, Turn Out The Lights - This one was memorable for a few reasons. The first being that it was Junior Bobblehead Night. I made every attempt to make sure I was at the Safe early enough to get a bobblehead. Turns out an hour and a half early doesn't cut it. The M's opened the gates at 4:30 (gates typically open at 5) because too many fans showed up early. I was SOL, until a guy heard me remark to my buddy that I would pay $50 for a Junior bobblehead. The guy turned around and said he just sold one of his for $20, so he'd gladly sell the other for $50. A bargaining session ensued and I walked away saying I wouldn't go over $30 for it. A minute later, the guy comes barreling after me saying he'll take the $30 so he can have beer money. It turned out to be a bargain.
Back to the game, Junior being Junior goes yard to spark a 4-run 7th inning, tying the game at 5 apiece.
The M's took it into extras, and Sean Kelley being Sean Kelley gave up a home run to Jason Bartlett in the 11th to make it 6-5, Rays.
Guti lead off the bottom of the 11th with a walk. Two quick outs left Ryan Langerhans and his .232 career batting average as the M's final hope. I determined it would be better to beat traffic than to see Langerhans strike out, so I directed my posse to leave. As soon as we stepped out the gates onto Edgar Martinez Way, we heard the crowd erupt. Everyone looked at each other. I quickly pulled up the score on my phone. Langerhans hit a 2-run walk-off bomb. M's win 7-6. Game over.
5. Langerhans, Turn Off The Lights....AGAIN! - Ryan Langerhans hit 3 home runs all season as a seldom used reserve. What are the chances that 2 of those 3 are walk off jobs. At the game with my two young cousins and my uncle, we were about to peace out for a late night Red Robin run. But with Langerhans coming up, I figured it might be worth staying this time. Sure enough, Langerhans delivered once again. Luckily, I got to see this one.
4. In a Pinch - The M's chances looked pretty weak down 3-0 going into the bottom of the 8th against Arizona on June 19. But a Russell Branyan home run narrowed the Dbags lead to 3-1. An Adrian Beltre single was followed by two quick outs. That's when Junior stepped to the plate, replacing Bad Wlad Balentien.
Junior's 2-run bomb tied the game at 3 apiece, and Rob Johnson's go-ahead triple secured the 4-3 win for the M's.
3. Randy's Return - While Junior is unquestionably the greatest Mariner ever, Randy Johnson is the franchise's greatest pitcher. M's fans got a chance to watch vintage Randy for 5 1/3 innings as he struck out 7, before running out of gas in the 6th. The standing ovation Randy got in what looks like his final outing in Seattle was a touching moment for the man whose arm the M's rode to two AL West titles in 3 years. Jose Lopez's walk-off single got Mercer Island's Sean White his first win of the season.
2. The home opener - Everyone was there to see Junior, and of course he singled in his first at-bat (would you expect anything less?). But it was a team effort, complete with a rare quality start for Carlos Silva (a Double Stuff Oreo overdose would put him on the DL for almost the entire season) , and a 10th inning win over LAAOC. Classic 2009 M's baseball.
1. The End? - Very few great professional athletes get to end their careers properly. Michael Jordan spent two miserable non-playoff seasons as a Washington Wizard. Convinced he still had something left, Rickey Henderson played two years of independent league baseball. The list goes on.
So for Ken Griffey Jr., the chance to not only return to Seattle, but to do it as the most revered (steroid free) player from his generation and a local hero seemed too good to be true.
As for the game, the M's staked a 3-run lead in the 5th that Texas could not make up.
But after the win, the love fest that took place on the field between the players and in the stands with the fans was remarkable. Very rarely do teams take clubhouse celebrations onto the field. And it's even more rare for a third place team to do it.
Junior being hoisted on his teammates shoulders was well deserving for the man who saved baseball in Seattle. It was on par with the final scene from "Rudy". Let's hope this fitting end to the season was not marking the end to a brilliant career.
Needless to say, it was a helluva season. One filled with many life long memories.
On a final note, I'd like to thank everyone who took me to a game, or went to a game with me this season. Being able to share these moments with some of my favorite people was truly a gift.
Until next year.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Looking Towards 2k10


Every year, plenty of professional sports teams rebound from a terrible season to either get back to respectability, or even contend for a championship.


But the Rays turnaround was years in the making - largely built on a decade of crappy teams and high draft picks.

Same goes for 99 percent of pro sports teams. It generally takes years to rebuild.

That's what makes the 2009 Seattle Mariners so special. Following a 101-loss disaster in 2008, that included managerial and GM firings, and a proposed assault on Ichiro, most figured it would take 3-4 years at a minimum to get the franchise on the right track.

Not quite. It took 12 short months for the Mariners to improve by 24 wins. Most importantly, the entire organizational philosophy and attitude has undergone a dramatic overhaul. Gone are the over priced wastes of space like Richie Sexson, Scott Spazio and Joser Vidro, who played solely for a pay check, and cared as much about winning as Amy Winehouse cares about getting sober.

From the top to the bottom, GM Jack Zduriencik and manager Don Wakamatsu orchestrated one of the greatest third place finishes in sports history.

But for as great as 2009 was. The followup performance will have to be that much greater. And with potential gaping wholes throughout the lineup, it is up to Zduriencik to continue his adept wheeling and dealing and make the M's a legitimate playoff contender .

The good news for the 2010 Mariners is that the starting rotation and bullpen have the potential to be one of the best in baseball. Felix Hernandez's long awaited breakout season gives the M's a bona fide number 1 starter. If Brandon Morrow can pitch as well as he's capable of pitching and Ryan Rowland-Smith and Ian Snell continue to improve, the M's rotation will be a force.

The bullpen, anchored by Mark Lowe's 101 MPH gas and David Aardsma is arguably one of the most intimidating setup/closer duo's in baseball.

After that, the only certainty in the lineup is that Ichiro will get 200 hits. Lingering questions about the futures of Adrian Beltre, Russell Branyan and the Ken Griffey Jr./Mike Sweeney DH combo, leaves the middle of the M's batting order in flux.

Can Jose Lopez feed off his great second half and finally put together a full season of superb hitting from the second base position? Will Lopez even be playing second base in 2010? What is going to happen with Jack Wilson and his $10 million option?

In a perfect world, Beltre, Branyan and Griffey/Sweeney will all be back in 2010. Why? Because they produce, and there aren't better options available.

For all the flack Griffey got for his batting average that rarely went north of .220 all season, he still hit 19 home runs and knocked in 57 runs, while only playing in 2/3 of the M's games. Junior consistently performed in the clutch. I watched countless games where Griffey hit a home run to either tie the game of give the M's the lead. What about the times Junior worked a walk that eventually lead to a run that scored? Or when Junior moved runners over that ultimately came around to score? Not to mention his undeniable affect on the clubhouse.

When you add Junior and Sweeney's power numbers, you get 27 home runs and 91 RBI's. That's solid production from the DH spot.

Due to various injuries (and nearly losing a testicle), Adrian Beltre didn't come close to his typical .274, 24, 87 seasonal averages. Belly's defense at third is the best in the AL. He's not worth anywhere close to the 5-year $64 million contract Bill Bavasi showered on him in 2004. But Beltre would be well worth $10 million per for a couple years.

It will be interesting to see what Branyan commands on the open market. Playing full-time for the first time in his career, Short Bus Russ was robbed of an All-Star Game appearance. But his second half was Sexson-esque. Branyan hit almost 100 points lower post All-Star Break and his OPS was almost 270 points higher in the first half of the season. Not to mention the fact that a herniated disk kept him from finishing August.

Branyan was a steal at $1.4 million for one year. But he'll be 34 in December. Anything more than a 2-year deal at more than $3 million a year would be a huge gamble for a guy who has never played a full season.

So that leaves shortstop, left field and catcher as the three positions that have to be upgraded offensively. And truth be told, Rob Johnson is so good at catching Mariners pitchers, that it might be worth sucking up his putrid offensive numbers.

But left field and shortstop absolutely have to improve on offense. The M's can't expect to contend with a lineup that is essentially 6 batters strong. Jack Wilson is a defensive stud, but potentially an offensive liability. In his short stint with the M's, Wilson couldn't hit and couldn't stay healthy. Zduriencik is too shrewd to pick up the $10 million option on Wilson. But a short-term deal worth considerably less should at least be entertained.

That means everything depends on left field. The Mariners could wish on a star and hope that a) Michael Saunders learns how to hit on a big league level, or b) Billy Hall can recapture his power stroke that netted him 35 bombs in 2006.

Neither scenario is very likely. And free agents to be like Matt Holliday and Jason Bay are going to be pricey and are both ill suited for Safeco Field.

Yet, this is what makes the off season so exciting. Nobody had any idea that Jack Z was capable of unearthing hidden All-Star talent at first base, centerfield and in the closer slot.

If Zduriencik can duplicate his 2008 off season, the 2010 Mariners will be playing deep into October.

Monday, September 21, 2009

A Dawg Day Afternoon


Last Saturday was Rosh Hashannah. Signaling the start of the new year on the Hebrew calendar, Rosh Hashannah is intended to be a celebration filled with family, food and synagogue.

Fittingly enough, last Saturday also marked a new beginning for the Washington Huskies football program.

But this story starts a week earlier at the UW/Idaho game. During the game, my dad informed me that he wouldn't be going to the USC game because he'd be in synagouge, observing Rosh Hashannah. (Just a quick background on my dad, he specializes in Jewish High Holidays, attending funerals and animal rescue. So as much as I wanted to go to the USC game with him, I knew it wouldn't happen).

When my dad seemed apathetic about me attending synagouge with him, it got me thinking that the Husky game, and the slim chance they could knock off USC, potentially could be one of the best sporting experiences of my life. Could I really pass that up for three hours in a synagouge that smells like old people?

The only hurdle was my mother, who god bless her, has mastered the art of Jewish guilt. While my dad relishes life's more morbid events, my mom puts her engergies into more simple affairs - like Rosh Hashannah brunch.

Upon breaking the news to her that I was forgoing her beloved brunch in favor of a college football game, she replied, "If I die this year, you'll always think about how you missed my brunch!". Thanks, mom!

What went down at Husky Stadium last Saturday is nothing short of miraculous. In ten short months, the Huskies, led by new savior Steve Sarkisian, have completely reshaped what was arguably the worst college football program in the country.

Last year's 0-12 debacle, followed by the 2009 rebirth speaks volumes about just how poor a coach Tyrone Willingham was. Willingham is a miserable person. He made the Huskies miserable. He made every Husky fan miserable.

Before this season started, my feelings towards football as a whole were slightly above apathetic. I blame Tyrone for that. Spending the last four years watching the Huskies get embarrassed week after week was like being forced to watch a Grey's Anatomy marathon.

Luckily that nightmare is over. Husky Football is back.

The Dawgs might not be the most talented team. They might not have blue chip recruits on the bench, or throngs of boosters dolling out cash to their players (ahem, Reggie Bush).

But what they do have is a coach who is committed to winning, and winning now. They have a me against the world attitude that is infectious. And now they know they can beat one of the best team's in the country.

The confidence the Husky players have after the USC win will undoubtedly fuel them for the rest of the season.

Experiencing the euphoria of the Huskies shocking college football and celebrating with some of my best friends is something I'll never forget.

And while my mom is still pissed, I know going to the game was a far better choice than spending the afternoon oddly fixated upon how well my great uncle's toupee lays on his head.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I Love This Team


Despite injuries, an offense that at times hits Ryan Seacrest's weight and a severe lack of talent, the 2009 Seattle Mariners continue to exceed all expectations.

Wednesday afternoon's 3-0 win over the Los Angeles Angels of Orange County and The Valley (LAAOCTV), epitomized the grit and desire the M's have shown throughout the entire season.

King Felix was sensational on Wednesday. Eight shutout innings of four-hit ball against a very formidable Angels lineup is the kind of a performance very few big league pitchers can pull off. Felix is quickly becoming a bonafide number one starter. And with his 14th win (ties a career high), plus his 2.65 ERA (second in the AL) Felix has earned the right to be in the Cy Young discussion.

Few people gave this team a fighting chance. Two games into September, the Mariners are six games over .500, and hanging on by mere tenths of percentage points in the Wild Card and AL West race.

From 2004-2008, the M's were a franchise built on over priced free agents who regularly performed on the field like Year One performed at the box office.

Needless to say, being a Mariners fan during the bad years was painful. Even the 2007 team that somehow pulled 88 wins out of its ass wasn't a team worth rooting for. Almost everyone knew those 88 wins were a mirage - a front for a team that was about to collapse.

Sure enough that's exactly what happened in 2008.

Enter new GM Jack Zduriencik and a new organizational philosophy. In 10 months, Zduriencik has compiled a roster full of players that other teams gave up on. The same kind of players the Mariners used to give up on, only to have them succeed with other franchises.

Cleveland saw no need for Franklin Gutierrez. David Aardsma and Russell Branyan could have been anonymous in the independent leagues. Zduriencik got all three for next to nothing.

The Brewers are paying the Mariners to have Billy Hall on the team. All he did Wednesday was knock in the game's first run on a double, steal third and score the M's second run.

Look up and down the M's roster and it's full of guys that were written off, and young players trying to show their value.

On Tuesday, rookie Doug Fister threw seven solid innings of one run ball. Four of Fister's five big league starts have been quality starts. Think the 6-foot 8-inch righty isn't in the M's plans for 2010? (Can we just say that Doug Fister is one of the all-time great porno star/athlete names? The only thing that might top that would be Doug Pokerface. As of now, I'm heavily leaning towards Fister.)

Add in the legend known as Ken Griffey Jr. and a great field manager like Don Wakamatsu, and there really is no reason not to like the 2009 Mariners.

Today's sports landscape is overcrowded with overpaid prima donnas, punks who only care about individual numbers and genuine douche bags who will say anything that sounds good (Pay-Fraud).

This Mariners team has none of that.

They may not win a World Series or even make the playoffs. The record books will most likely show them placing third in a four team division. But for the entire season, the Mariners have consistently found ways to win when they shouldn't have. They've fully embraced what it means to be a part of a team.

At various points in 2009, the M's have been down. But they've never considered themselves out.

And that's something worth rooting for.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Hung


This season of Entourage appears headed for the biggest one year drop-off since Ben Wallace stopped taking roids and pulling down 15 boards a game. It's about as entertaining as Fonzworth Bentley. And if that wasn't enough, they brought back E's cute little alien girlfriend to spice things up!

With four episodes left in Season 6, there's still no story arc. (I refuse to accept that it's E's love life or Ari's troubles with his unfaithful employee, the worthless Andrew Klein).

Luckily, the show that proceeds it, Hung, is quickly becoming one of TV's most entertaining comedies. Think American Gigolo meets Breaking Bad meets Weeds and you've got Hung.

Like Breaking Bad and Weeds before it, Hung revolves around the main characters compounding financial problems, and the illegal, yet amusing actions taken to address their monetary woes.

Maybe the concept isn't incredibly original, but Hung, masterfully takes viewers inside the minds of its two principle anti-hero's - Ray Drecker and Tanya "T-Brain" Skagel.

Ray is the classic high school stud turned burnout. T-Brain is the classic poetry dork. Together they form Happiness Consultants - a one man whore brigade powered by Ray and fronted by T-Brain.

Set in suburban Detroit (Where else would a man whore be lurking?), Hung is as awkward as it is endearing. You root for Ray and T-Brain because they are about as real as TV characters can get.

Throw in Anne Heche as Ray's ex-wife, the nervous guy from the Ocean's Eleven trilogy and two of the oddest looking child actors around (Ray's son Damon has the best Pete Rose haircut since Pete Rose), and you've got something to make you partially forget just how crappy Entourage has been.


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The "Genius"


I recently jumped the shark and bought a Mac.

After years rebelling against the Apple juggernaut (Go figure - a crazy lib like me not having a Mac? Laughable.), I concluded that a Mac is the best machine to handle my penchant for gothic sex themed chat rooms and Miley Cyrus iTunes playlists.

Three days into my Mac experience, I noticed a stuck pixel glaring at me from the lower middle portion of my glistening LCD screen.

For years, I've been suffering with a similar problem on my TV. And being the neurotic loon that I am, it's safe to say I've wasted hours upon hours trying to determine if the little red dot on my screen felt like coming out to play. Needless to say, I think it has also made me slightly cockeyed in the process.

No way was I going to let this happen to my precious new Mac.

It took a 30 minute call, complete with endless transferring from Apple Care to Sales & Support before someone decided that I needed to make an appointment with a Mac "Genius".

Now I'm hesitant to call someone who probably doesn't have any sort of advanced degree a genius. It's like referring to Jon Gosselin as a "family therapist".

At the moment, I reserve that term for three people:

* Prince
* Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik
* Michael Eric Dyson

My prior experience with a "Genius" consisted of the "Genius" phoning home on my iPod and having a conversation with it in code. He then proceeded to treat me as if I'd come in complaining the iPod wouldn't work, while unknowingly having the hold button on.

So this time, I determined I needed to cozy up to the "Genius" in order to get my issue resolved. I needed to enter his world. Find out what makes Battlestar Gallactica so great. Or, at the very least, look the part.

Out came the most wrinkled pair of khakis I could find, a tattered t-shirt promoting an obscure DC eatery, and my hippie Keens - worn with white socks, of course.

Under no circumstances could the inferior Blackberry I keep nestled to my thigh ever come out. In order for this to work, I had to fully embrace the "Genius" lifestyle.

As I approached the "Genius Bar", I quickly scanned the "Geniuses". Three looked like Steve Jobs, sans mock turtle neck, and one looked like fat Seth Rogen with fiery red hair.

Thankfully, I got fat Seth Rogen.

Fat Seth Rogen halfheartedly attempted to apply pressure to the stuck pixel. Three seconds later, he deemed the pixel stuck and offered to replace the panel (which I'm assuming is "Genius" slang for screen).

I politely accepted the offer for the panel replacement.

I hate to say it, but I think I'm a full blown Mac enthusiast.

Not only that, khakis and Keens make for incredibly comfortable attire.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Going For It?


Wednesday's trade between the Mariners and the Pirates can be viewed two ways:

1) Despite being 7.5 games behind the surging Los Angeles Angels of Orange County, the M's still believe they have a chance to contend this year.

2) This was a precursor to an eventual Jarrod Washburn deal. Ian Snell replaces Washburn in the rotation and Jack Wilson shores up a shortstop position that has been manned by glorified bench players all season.

Being an eternal optimist when it comes to the 2009 Mariners, I'd like to believe in the first option (Witnessing the 1995 M's overcome a 13 game deficit also emboldens my feeling that crazier things have happened) .

In Wilson, the Mariners get a slick fielding shortstop who will provide some stability to an area that hasn't had any since long before Yuniesky Betancourt burst onto the scene, swinging at every pitch thrown his way.

Snell seems like a guy who has the stuff to be a legitimate second or third starter on a good team. Unfortunately, he's been stranded in Pittsburgh for his entire career. (The only thing missing from the Pirates is that they don't hire Bill Bavasi as GM. Bavasi might actually succeed in a situation where he doesn't have good players to trade for crappy players.)

Having to include Jeff Clement in the trade stings a little bit. It's like being the guy who was still building his Laser Disc collection long after DVD's hit the market. Clement, the third overall pick in the highly regarded 2005 Draft never showed he could hit major league pitching. Throw in his questionable catching skills and you've got a guy who had lost his place in the organization.

But look at the positive, at least the Mariners didn't draft some kid named Braun from Miami.

For whatever reason, this Mariners team has suffered multiple MJ style cardiac arrests, only to avoid being resuscitated for 30 minutes by some quack doctor from Trinidad.

Before Wednesday's trade, the Mariners starting lineup boasted four players who had spent most of 2009 in AAA (Chris Woodward, Jack Hannahan, Chris Shelton, Ryan Langerhans). Does that sound like a team that should be 5 games above .500 heading into August?

Yet the M's continue to win on guts, guile and superb managing in the clubhouse and in the front office.

The Mariners have 61 games left on their schedule, including 17 against LAAOC and Texas. The season is far from over.

Sidebar:

Yesterday's win against Toronto provided yet another all-time great Griffey moment. With the bases loaded and the M's down 1 in the seventh, Junior steps to the plate with the bases jacked and one out. He's facing Roy Halladay, arguably baseball's best pitcher. Since Junior hasn't hit his weight all season, I'm saying to myself, "Please don't strike out, or get called on an infield fly. Please God. Please don't let this happen".

All Junior does is line a vintage laser shot down the right field line, driving in the tying and eventual winning run. It was a moment I will never forget.

The low gas light has been on for a few miles. Griffey might be close to empty. But being the true legend he is, there have still been plenty of times this season when you realize you are witnessing one of baseball's all-time greats.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Erin Pageviews


Leave it to ESPN, the beacon of legitimate sports journalism (E:60, Who's Now, Fan Feast), to find a way to benefit from having a sportscaster's privacy violated.

If you haven't heard, some Battlestar Gallactica loving perv placed a camera in ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews' hotel room. And get this - she was....NAKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The truth is this video is the best thing that could ever happen to Andrews career.

Where would Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton be without their sex tapes? This is essentially Andrews' sex tape.

So ESPN's holier-than-thou response is as laughable as it is hypcritical.

Isn't ESPN saying they won't report on naked Erin Andrews making the story even bigger? What about their move to ban all New York Post staff from programming for running still photos of the video in their newspaper?

Nope. That difuses the situation.

If anyone involved (including Andrews) truly wasn't trying to milk this non-story for all it's worth, they would ignore the entire situation.

This entire melodrama has exploded in large part because of the reactions by Andrews and ESPN.

While it is wholly reprehensible that some tortured pervert decided to put a hidden camera in Andrews' hotel room, it's not like we saw anything groundbreaking. It would be one thing if Andrews was filmed having sex, or if she secretly was a he. But that's not the case.

What we've got is a five minute, grainy video of a hot, naked blonde woman, flat ironing her hair. Great. Now all the Maxim readers have some new masturbation material.

Think millions of people would flock to no-name websites to see Mary Carillo walking around nude? Suzy ("I want to kiss you") Kolber? Andrea Kramer?

If Andrews wasn't the hottest female sports reporter ever, and if ESPN and Andrews didn't go all John Ashcroft in response, nobody would care.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Not Your Superhero


Every professional sport is littered with athletes who hung on for a little too long. You cringe as you see them hobble through a statistically unremarkable final season. Ultimately, it doesn't tarnish their legacy. But those bad memories always lurk in the back of your mind.

Well the same thing happens to TV shows. And two episodes into its sixth season, it looks as if HBO's Entourage is limping around on worn down knees and a bad hamstring.

After recovering from subpar Seasons 3b and 4, Entourage came back strong with a great Season 5 that recaptured the show's original greatness. We'd seen Vinny Chase's star rise, then fall, then seemingly rise again with news that he'd been cast in Martin Scorsese's "Gatsby".

Realistically Entourage could have ended there.

Instead, viewers have been subjected to an hour's worth of a sappy relationship show. Gone are the days of extreme Bromance.

Now we're left to ponder how E went from a 10 with Sloan, to a 4.5 with the E.T. looking, stalker girl he's now decided to pursue. (I realize I shouldn't be so tough on looks. But the show is predicated on vanity. At least cast a hot actress. It's not like Sloan can act).

Entourage flat out sucks right now. Why is Lumbergh a regular cast member? What does he bring to the table? He might be a crappier character than Billy Walsh.

Maybe I'm a little harsh. After all, Entourage remains the only series I've continued to watch long after its premiere episode. I feel this odd maternal loyalty towards upholding its quality.

Ask yourself this - after these two trash episodes, have you laughed once?

Hopefully this is just a slight lull, eventually leading to an intriguing season arc. But for some reason, it seems like this is the year when everyone starts to cringe.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

UnHuman Nature


If you watched Michael Jackson's funeral extravaganza last week, then chances are you saw MJ's close, personal friend (pssst...they never met) John Mayer perform a guitar solo of MJ's classic cut from Thriller, "Human Nature".

Because Mayer didn't do enough emotional harm with "Daughters", he had to go along and show the world his orgasmic facial expression while plucking his guitar strings.

Driving in my car the other day, wanting to hear some mellow MJ, I put on "Human Nature". From the first note, I couldn't escape the images from Mayer's guitar solo.

He looked like Andy Samberg in the "Jizz in my Pants" video.

Now I give Mayer credit for compiling a nice list of Hollywood starlets to his dating history. But it's a damn shame he had to potentially make a great song unlistenable.

Halfway Home


At last year's All-Star Break, the Seattle Mariners stood dead last in the AL West with a 37-58 record, 20 games out of first place. Inept manager John McLaren had already been booted. Same goes for Bill Bavasi, their high functioning retard of a general manager. (The team would be far better off if Bavasi made absolutely no personnel moves during his four year reign of terror).

And if those things weren't enough, the players wanted to beat up Ichiro.

The 2008 season was an unmitigated disaster, years in the making. It was painful to watch, more painful to support.

Needless to say, going into 2009, very few had high hopes for a franchise on a five-year downward spiral that seemed destined to result in a battle with the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Kansas City Royals for irrelevancy.

M's CEO Howard Lincoln and president Chuck Armstrong, the two men responsible for crafting a team built on over priced, aging free agents were tasked with righting the ship they aimlessly lead off course.

Ultimate cynics such as myself had little doubt Lincoln and Armstrong would fill their GM vacancy with Kim Ng from the Los Angeles Dodgers - making her the first ever female general manager. The managerial post surely would go to some retread like Ned Yost or Lloyd McClendon.

But the Mariners chose a different path. They hired a guy whose last name nobody could spell or pronounce to be GM.

The GM with the funny name promptly hired a first-time manager who few knew anything about.

Yet over the course of the last eight months, GM Jack Zduriencik and manager Don Wakamatsu have transformed the Mariners from a lock to repeat as AL West losers, to one of the great surprises in baseball's first half.

It hasn't always been pretty (the month of May, Double Stuff Silva, YuBet). But at the half-way point in the season, the Mariners find themselves four games above .500 and only four games out of first place.

Zduriencik masterfully cobbled together a roster full of guys nobody wanted (Russell Branyan, David Aardsma, Franklin Guttierez), or thought they needed (Junior, Mike Sweeney). And Don Wak has made a great argument for Manager of the Year.

Stat heads will complain that the Mariners run differential (348 RS/366 RA) points to a certain drop in the standings. But this team was counted out in March and they're still hanging around.

The Mariners play the game the right way. Theirs is built on solid pitching, slick fielding and timely hitting (most nights). They won't slug teams out of the park. But they will grind out wins.

And with the subtraction of the maddeningly frustrating Yuniesky Betancourt, they no longer have a lackadaisical, free swinging,error machine constipating the lineup.

There's still a lot of baseball to play. With the trade deadline looming, the M's will be forced to make crucial decisions on Erik Bedard, Jarod Washburn and Miguel Batista.

Will they sink or swim? At this point, with multiple players coming into form, there's no reason to think life preservers will be necessary.

This team is for real.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

MJ

In the week following Michael Jackon's untimely death, we've learned the following:
  • None of MJ's three children are (surprise!) actually his. (How anyone could think otherwise is beyond me. MJ used to be black. Becoming a white man doesn't give him white genes).
  • Al Sharpton needs to have his voice box removed.
  • Joe Jackson is a bigger opportunist than Speidi.
MJ's death is as tragic as it is intriguing. How someone equally talented and tortured could spend his final years with absolutely no resemblance to his former self, speaks volumes to the severe mental issues MJ dealt with.

What's even more disturbing is that despite the breaking news aspect to it, MJ's death wasn't sudden at all.

There's good reason to believe he suffered from anorexia for at least the last ten years, and possibly much longer. Couple that with his addiction to prescription drugs and you have someone who has been slowly killing themselves for a decades.

One thing that continues to blow my mind is the realization that MJ spent almost half his life as a white man. It's beyond absurd. Imagine looking in the mirror and seeing the complete opposite of what you used to be. It's like me deciding to go "Soul Man" for the next quarter century.

But before the surgeries, Bubbles and Blanket, what originally made MJ famous was the music. Granted, nothing post Dangerous has aged particularly well, in large part due to MJ's voice turning into a glorified grunt.

Regardless, after spending the last few days going over his entire catalog and watching his old videos, it's clear that Michael's contribution to pop culture is unrivaled and will never be matched.

To commemorate his 50 years, I thought it would be fitting to list his 50 best songs.
  1. Billie Jean
  2. I Want You Back (J5)
  3. Rock With You
  4. Remember The Time
  5. Maybe Tomorrow (J5)
  6. Don't Stop Til You Get Enough
  7. Say, Say, Say (McCartney)
  8. I Want To Be Where You Are
  9. Wanna Be Startin' Something
  10. Shake Your Body (Down To The Ground) (Jacksons)
  11. The Love You Save (J5)
  12. Never Can Say Goodbye (J5)
  13. Beat It
  14. Who's Loving You (J5)
  15. Leave Me Alone
  16. Off The Wall
  17. Can You Feel It (Jacksons)
  18. Smooth Criminal
  19. Human Nature
  20. Jam
  21. P.Y.T.
  22. Somebody's Watching Me (Rockwell)
  23. Scream
  24. You Rock My World
  25. Ready Or Not (J5)
  26. Dancing Machine (J5)
  27. Working Day and Night
  28. Lady In My Life
  29. ABC
  30. Blame It On the Boogie (Jacksons)
  31. Thriller
  32. In The Closet
  33. The Way You Make Me Feel
  34. This Place Hotel (Jacksons)
  35. Tell Me I'm Not Dreaming (Jermaine Jackson)
  36. Dirty Diana
  37. Blood on the Dance Floor
  38. Baby Be Mine
  39. Another Part of Me
  40. Man in the Mirror
  41. You Are Not Alone
  42. Torture (Jacksons)
  43. I Just Can't Stop Loving You
  44. Let Me Show You (Jacksons)
  45. Enjoy Yourself (Jacksons)
  46. They Don't Care About Us
  47. Liberian Girl
  48. Whatever Happens
  49. Life of the Party (J5)
  50. Who Is It
A few notes...

*I firmly believe that MJ's voice hit its peak post Thriller, pre Bad. It's like he realized he was the shit and you can hear that. He didn't record much during this period, but almost all his work from this period is great.

*"Say, Say, Say" made up for MJ and McCartney's first duet, "The Girl Is Mine". Undoubtedly the weakest song on Thriller, it should have been titled, "The Boy Is Mine".

*For a guy who never had a sexual experience with a woman, MJ sure had some stage 5 clingers on his hands - Billie Jean, Dirty Diana and Susie ("Blood on the Dance Floor").

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Say It Isn't Sosa!


Today's shocking news that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003 will surely set baseball back 10 years in its efforts to regain credibility. How can this be? Not Sammy Sosa, the congenial Cubbie who forgot how to speak english when he testified for congress about steroids in 2005. No!!!!

This is like finding out that Adam Lambert is gay! Oh, wait.

Sosa may have been the last highly suspected roider who hadn't been linked to any factual evidence until now. But everyone knew Sosa was as hooked on roids as Lamar Odom is on candy.

Pay-Fraud, Manny and Clemens all came as a surprise. But Sosa? C'mon.

And unlike the aforementioned trio, plus Barry Bonds, you can't even make the argument that Sosa would be a Hall of Famer without the steroids.

Sosa went a torrid home run binge between 1998 and 2001. Over that stretch, he accumulated 243 home runs, including three separate 60 home run season. Before that, he never hit more than 40 in a season.

Finding out for certain that Sosa tested positive for steroids is nothing more than a diversion from ESPN's love affair with Brett Favre's most recent comeback (Sample ESPN Bottom Line story - BREAKING NEWS: Chris Mortensen reports Brett Favre likes the color purple).

What would have been surprising is if Sosa had not tested positive.

And that reason alone makes this entire saga rather depressing.

Say It Ain't Sosa!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Finals Afterthoughts


Superman might be more powerful than a locomotive and can jump buildings in a single bound, but he can't defeat a rapist.

In what proved to be a mildly entertaining NBA Finals, the Los Angeles Lakers dispatched the Orlando Magic in my prophetic prediction of five games.

If Orlando could make a few more free throws (and not jinx themselves by trotting out Nick Anderson during Game 4), this series would still be going. But the truth is the Magic aren't a great team. Stan Van Gundy might be the NBA equivalent to Michael Scott. Rashard Lewis embodies why max contracts are ruining the league. And for all his physical gifts, Dwight Howard is a goofball who is an incredibly limited offensive player.

Even this current Lakers team can't be considered great. Yet. They have the best coach and the best player. They have some nice pieces in place. But I never felt like they really got it going the way they did towards the end of last season, leading up to the 2k8 Finals.

No doubt they will be a force in the league for years to come. They are too young and too well coached not to be. It will be interesting to see how they go about free agents to be, Lamar Odom and the ever improving Trevor Ariza.

For Kobe and Phil, this title is about their legacies.

In six years, Kobe went from being the world's most famous rapist to a return champion. Kobe has more titles than Jordan did at his age, a gold medal, two All-Star Game MVP's, a regular season MVP and now a Finals MVP. Sure, there's plenty to not like about him ("Kobe Doin Work"). But you simply can't deny his place as one of the all-time greats to play this game.

Phil is cemented as the benchmark for coaching excellence in professional sports. Say what you want about Phil always having the best players. But how many titles did MJ win before Phil? Shaq? Kobe? Phil is the difference maker.

And while we're on it, what's the deal with all the Lakers haters? They aren't the Yankees who buy their wins with overpriced players. They aren't the Red Sox with the biggest d-bag fan base on earth (solely directed at Sox fans post 2004). And they aren't the Cowboys with the biggest d-bag owner on earth.

No. The Lakers are simply the best run sports franchise in the country. Jerry Buss might be the best owner ever. Over his 30 years as boss, Buss' teams have given Los Angeles nine championships. No other current owner is even close.

The Lakers have a tradition rich with some of the NBA's best players ever. Jerry West is the NBA's logo! Magic Johnson is arguably the best point guard ever. Kareem put the ball through the hoop more times than anyone in NBA history.

They also have some of the best uniforms in professional sports.

Can't we just be happy that Adam Morrison finally got his title?

Monday, June 8, 2009

Consider This


The Seattle Mariners season is a winning streak away from being legitimate contenders in the AL West, or a losing streak away from trading away players like Kate Hudson trades boyfriends.

If the latter happens, count on Erik Bedard's name as the most mentioned in regards to most valuable trade pieces.

Bedard is a top-of-the rotation starter who could be the final piece to a team's playoff hopes down the stretch.

One would assume a Bedard trade could net a few good prospects. Considering the M's dealt an All-Star relief pitcher and two major prospects to acquire Bedard (mentioning names will only make me want to take a leap off my balcony), it would make sense to try to salvage that botched deal while there's still time.

But 2009 Bedard is not the bitchy 2008 Bedard who pulled himself from games after 100 pitches and entered this season as a more hated figure than Double Stuff Silva.

Bedard has been the Mariners most valauble arm. Amongst AL pitchers, he ranks top ten in strike outs, WHIP and top five in ERA.

Since Bedard will be a free agent at season's end, the Mariners realistically won't be able to net more than one premium prospect for him. And his lackluster 2008 campaign has almost guranteed him Type B free agent status if the Mariners decide to keep him for draft picks if he bolts elsewhere after the season.

Trading Bedard isn't the answer. Trading Felix Hernandez is.

King Felix is under the Mariners control through the 2011 season. At 23, he is infinitely more valuable on the trade market than the 30-year-old Bedard. The Mariners could make an absolute killing by dealing Felix for a top young arm and a future slugger.

Now I realize I might be coming off as a bigger d-bag than Steve Kelley when he wrote this idiotic article in 1992. (As if his frosted tips weren't bad enough, Kelly should have been fired for writing this). But the logic makes sense.

When Felix hits the free agent market, he'll undoubtedly command something close to $200 million over seven plus years. Under the current economic climate, it would be hard to imagine Bedard getting much more than $10 million a year when he signs his new contract.

Given all his hype, Felix has failed to live up to his potential thus far. Save for his stellar 12 starts to begin his career in 2005, King Felix simply is not in the same discussion as pitchers like Johan Santana, Tim Lincecum and Roy Halladay.

Felix has yet to put together a season where he's considered one of baseball's best pitchers. Bedard did it in 2007.

At this point, Felix is towards the top of second-tier big league arms.

Felix supporters cite his age as reason to believe he'll continue to improve. But what if this is as good as it gets? What if he blows out his arm in a year or two and has absolutely no value? Minnesota is currently experiencing that with Francisco Liriano, who in 2006, absolutely dominated AL hitters. Now they're talking about moving him to the bullpen.

Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik has already shown a propensity for wheeling and dealing. His J.J. Putz trade in December netted the M's four solid contributors (Endy Chavez, Franklin Gutierrez, Jason Vargas, Garrett Olson) for the ridiculously overvalued Putz.

Imagine what Trader Jack could haul in for Felix.

Felix is like Tara Reid circa 1999. She was smoking hot at the time, but you knew she'd burn out in a few years. It was fun watching her not act on screen, and easy to call it a day after Van Wilder.

If the Mariners want to improve as quickly as possible, they will lock up Bedard and ship off Felix before he gives us a "My Boss's Daughter".

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Unit


For a season that seemed destined to be highlighted by a draft pick who will have no impact on the franchise in 2009, it's nice for Washington Nationals fans to see history on the field. The Nats are the worst team in baseball, and arguably the worst run team as well. (I'm still anxiously anticipating Elijah Dukes and Lastings Milledge rioting in the D.C. streets.)

But Thursday, they witnessed something that's only happened 23 times before in Major League history.

Randy Johnson's 300th career win was not classic Big Unit domination. The strike outs were few (2). The pitch count was low (78). And Johnson lasted just six innings.

It's clear Johnson doesn't have much left in the tank. But considering the Mariners wrote him off 11 years ago, citing his back wouldn't hold up, Johnson has undoubtedly left his mark as quite possibly the greatest left-handed pitcher ever.

Johnson's career numbers are staggering. His five Cy Young awards ranks him second all-time. But consider this, Johnson's numbers in 1993, 1994, 1997 and 2004 very well could have given him a career total of nine Cy Young's.

Johnson lost out on the award to a roided out hillbilly named Roger Clemens in 1997 and 2004. In 93, despite having a better winning percentage, almost twice as many strike outs and a .203 BAA (63 points lower than the winner), Johnson finished second to Black Jack McDowell. And his 1994 campaign was marginally better than David Cone's.

RJ may not have been the best teammate ever. He may have been a prick to the media too. But when a game needed to be won, Johnson could always be counted on to match his grit and determination with unprecedented talent on the mound.

It's funny how every pitcher over 6-8 gets compared to Johnson. The Mariners even tried to replicate their sucess with Johnson by drafting a slack-jawed high school goon named Ryan Anderson, who mirrored Johnson in height and pitching style, only to fall short in smarts and skill.

The truth is there is no comparable pitcher to Johnson. While he just joined 23 other all-time greats in the record books, Johnson is clearly in a class by himself.