Swept Up

It should come as no surprise that the 2008 Seattle Mariners have shown they can’t hit much more than Nicole Richie’s weight, and the relievers have an ERA that’s close to Dave Niehaus’ numbers on a scale.

Even with the Erik Bedard acquisition, the Mariners still showed glaring holes offensively. Throw in an unproven relief corps sans the Putz, and you’ve got a 2-5 start. And that’s not just any 2-5 start. It’s 2-5 against two of baseball’s worst teams. Playoffs? Playoffs?

Richie Sexson sucked last year. He sucks even more this year. Brad Wilkerson sucked last year. He sucks even more than Sexson this year. Jose Vidro is good for either a limp dick single, or a double play. An offense with these clowns hitting somewhere in spots 4-7 is destined to average 4 runs a game, which is just about what the M’s are averaging this season.

The only saving grace for this team has been the starting pitching. But starting pitching means nothing when the relievers keep coughing up games.

This predicament has little to do with manager John McLaren. He’s doing the best he can with limited resources.

The full blame should fall on GM Bill Bavasi’s weak shoulders. In his fifth year undeservedly running the team into the ground, Bavasi went for broke and dealt the M’s best offensive prospect and second best relief pitcher. Last year, he gave Rafael Soriano away to Atlanta for a Big Mac, two cheeseburgers and an orange Hi-C. Think either Soriano or George Sherrill would be a huge help right now?

Some pundits are running around screaming about how the Mariners need to sign Barry Lamar. Let’s face it, if the Mariners washed their hands clean from Carlos Guillen for having a few road sodas and swerving in his Benzo, then they’re not going anywhere near a tax evading, clear swallowing, manic depressive. Granted, Bonds would blast balls off The Hit It Here Café like sniper fire directed at Hillary Clinton and Sinbad in Bosnia.

The real answer to the Mariners anemic offense resides in Cincinnati, just six home runs shy of 600 on his career.

I’m now in the fifth year of my Bring Back Griffey campaign, and it’s admittedly getting a little old. Being so right for so long, only to be ignored by a bald ass clown who looks like WWF wrestler is beyond frustrating.

Despite the low regard in which I generally hold the M’s, I truly want them to win. Not much else would make me happier. While it might be early to freak out over a 2-5 start, fans should get used to it. Because unless they bring back Bret Boone and put him on the juice, this team will keep having trouble crossing home plate and keep losing.