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Let us all smile like we won American Idol 2008, because the San Antonio Spurs will not be playing basketball in June.

No flopping. No whining. No Vaginobli.

The NBA now has 1/2 of it's dream Finals. The Boston Celtics, intent on playing all 7 games of every 7 game series are all that remains until David Stern has his best coup d'etat since freezing the envelope for the 1985 Draft Lottery.

You have to wonder if Stern had anything to do with February's Pau Gasol heist. Seriously, I couldn't have come up with a more lopsided trade on NBA Live 2008. The computer would have vetoed it every time. Unfortunately the Memphis Grizzlies aren't that smart. They actually have less sense than MJ the GM for taking Kwame Brown in the first place, or the Lakers for deciding to give up Caron Butler for Kwame. The only person willing to acquire Kwame now would undoubtedly be Mariners GM Bill Bavasi. Kwame would be a great DH.

Regardless, the Lake Show is for real. Not only are they the best team in the world, but they also have the best player in the world and the best coach.

If Roger Clemens ever pulls his head out his attorney's ass, he should look at Kobe for inspiration on image rehab. Kobe raped a girl, threw Shaq under an 18-wheeler, talked shit about his GM and Andrew Bynum to two high school kids in a parking lot, then demanded a trade, rescinded the demand, rescinded the rescind, and continued this pattern up until this season began.

But everybody is loving Kobe now. Rape? Kobe? Never. Didn't happen. He did jump over a car though.

What's great about this Laker team is that everybody knows exactly what their role is and they fit perfectly into those roles. Kobe's been a star since he air balled those shots in Utah back in the 97. Pau Gasol was a sub par number one option in Memphis. In L.A., he's about as good as a number two option can be. Same goes for Lamar Odom - a terrible number two. Nasty as a third option.

The Lakers play as a team. They play the right way. They are scary good. And the best part is they're young. Kobe's in his 28th season, but won't turn 30 until August.

Write it down - this Lakers team has three titles in it.

Make It Stop

A truly entertaining NBA Playoff series came to a gefilte fish tasting end Monday night when the San Antonio Spurs once again used their WNBA style game plan to defeat the far superior, younger, better looking, non flopping New Orleans Hornets.

The Hornets simply couldn't get much going. Missed shots. Missed opportunities. And the Spurs continue to wreak havoc on great teams (every basketball fan should still be pissed about how they found every trick in the book to screw the Suns in last year's Conference Semifinals).

Granted, NOLA will have many more chances in the upcoming years. Their nucleus is young and improving at a freakishly rapid rate. Think CP3, Tyson Chandler and David West won't feel like they have something to prove next year?

With any luck, this is the precursor to the Spurs quick decline to a lottery bound franchise. Everyone is talking about a dynasty. But the reality is the Spurs really only have two legitimate Larry O'Brien Trophies. Their 1999 title doesn't count because it was during the lockout year, which might be the worst season in sports history. Last year's championship doesn't count either because they were aided by a crooked ref, Steve Nash's bloody nose and the morally reprehensible rule that kept Amare and Boris Diaw off the floor for game 5 of the conference semis.

If you consider yourself a true basketball enthusiast, you'll be pulling for the Lakers and Celtics respectively from each conference. This has nothing to do with reviving the Lakers/Celtics rivalry (let's face it: after the first two rounds, it's clear that this is Boston's lone shot at the title). Because although they're not nearly as irritating as the Spurs, the Detroit Pistons are a similarly bland team. The only thing the Pistons have going for them is Sheed - who is equal parts clown and impressive basketball talent. If anyone hasn't coined the phrase "It's just Sheed being Sheed", I'd like to lay claim to it.

Thankfully Cleveland is gone from the Playoffs. Now all that's left are the Spurs and the Pistons.

Having to suffer through up to 14 more games of Tim Duncan and his dead-behind-the-eyes demeanor, Manu Vaginobli and his flopping/whinging, Tony Parker Longoria and his Franglais, and Bruce Bowen(don't get me started) is surely enough to keep me away from the NBA until Seattle has new basketball team.

The Case for Griffey

Over the last 48 hours, many have weighed in on Ken Griffey Jr.'s possible return to Seattle.

Larry Stone thinks Junior's return could give fans a big let down.

The truth is the Mariners can't lose by bringing Griffey home. So what if the M's have to give up a mid-level prospect or two? This is coming from an organization that hasn't produced a an above average offensive player since Alex Rodriguez.

And as far as taking on Junior's salary, I'd run down all the money GM Bill Bavasi has wasted on worthless no talent, but it would make me want to jump off my balcony.

The naysayers think Junior doesn't have much left in the tank. While it's true he's not going to hit 56 home runs again, he still has more power than any other player on the Mariners.

It's also important to note that Junior has been notoriously slow getting his bat going the last few years. Over his last three years (2005-2007), Junior's batting average is more than 40 points higher in May and June than it is in April.

With the death of his best friend, Frank King, last week, this season has been particularly difficult on Griffey. But since King's passing, Junior is hitting .364 with a .481 OBP.

Griffey or not, the Mariners aren't doing anything this season except losing games and fans. Adding Junior to the team puts butts in the empty Safeco seats and enough W's in the win column to get back to .500.

Boiling Point

Well it looks like the losing is getting to the Mariners.

After Felix Hernandez intentionally plunked Ian Kinsler and Gerald Laird, Rangers pitcher Kason Gabbard protected his teammates and threw a brush back pitch to Richie Sexson. The result - Sexson charged the mound, threw his helment at Gabbard, and provided us with 2008's first great baseball fight.

I mentioned earlier about how difficult it must be for the Mariners starting pitchers knowing that if they make one mistake, the game is essentially over.

Over his last two starts, Felix has regressed to his old headcase form. As a baseball tradionalist, I think it's Bush League that Felix deemed it acceptable to throw at Kinsler because he launched a bomb in his previous at bat.

Gabbard was doing what any good teammmate would do. That's the code.

Sexson's at no fault either. He had to protect himself too.

This boils down to frustration, and Felix still being too immature to take that next step to becoming an elite pitcher.

Look for suspensions for both Sexson and Felix. Gabbard really shouldn't be punished, but probably will be.

Diamonds Aren't Forever

Most professional sports venues offer something where fans pay ridiculous money for front row seats and unlimited food and booze. At Safeco Field, it's called the Diamond Club. Or in my case, the Let's See How Many Calories You Can Consume Before Going Commatose Club.

Considering I've been to hundreds of Mariners games in my life, what made last night special was that for the first time ever, I went to a game with just my mom. For anyone who has yet to experience a sporting event with just their mother, I highly recommend it. She still can't understand why they don't serve popcorn (aka kettle corn) in the Diamond Club.

I've sat in the Diamond Club probably five times before Wednesday night. And what I really enjoy, aside from all the food, is being close enough to the field where I know the players can hear my obnoxious taunts. Unfortunately, someone must have tipped off the Mariners brass before my arrival because my two most hated Mariners, Fats Vidro and Redneck Richie, were coincidentally absent from the lineup. (I figured Milton Bradly would be off limits because a) he's psycho and might tear through the net behind home plate and spike me in the eye and b) he's actually really tight).

Now I'm not bitching about sitting in the Diamond Club, but I still haven't gotten a valid answer as to how my step dad got suckered into dropping $500 on two tix to watch the M's take on the Texas Rangers.

Still reeling from Brad Wilkerson's off season defection, the Rangers appear determined to battle the M's for shittiest team in the AL West. Luckily for the Rangers, they have a great starting rotation, anchored by perennial Cy Young candidate Vincente Padilla.

Before the game got underway, I scarfed down a Gyro (Diamond Club exclusive), some pita and hummus, 3 pineapple slices, carrot cake, cheescake and something called a Georgia peach. To wash it all down, I threw back two ice cold Hefeweizen's.

Once we sat down at our seats (the prior feast was in the Diamond Club's private dinning area), I immediately picked up the food order menu and mini golf pencil and filled out an order for a slice of Garlic Jim's Pizza, a hot dog, nachos grande and another ice cold Hefeweizen.

When the food got delivered, my mom poignantly asked, "are you trying to be like John Belushi in Animal House?". She had a point.

By the top of the fourth, it felt like I had lost all feeling below my waist. My eyes got very heavy and I felt like I might pass out. This reminded me of Super Bowl XXXVII when Tampa Bay thumped Oakland, and I decided to inhale two Big Mac's (they were offering 2 for 2 bucks at the time). With about ten minutes left in the first half, my roommate asked me a question, only to realize I had fallen into a food coma. When I awoke with two minutes remaining in the third quarter, I had no recollection of anything that transpired after finishing the first juicy Big Mac.

And since the M's had mustered all of one hit through the first 1/3 of the game, I feared another food coma coming on.

Luckily, Miguel Cairo's red hot bat kept me wide awake. Also, I felt sympathetic towards Rangers catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia , who is in record books for having the longest last name in MLB history. Imagine a young Saltalamacchia growing up playing Triple Play 98 on Playstation, trying to create himself, and ending up with "Jarrod Saltalam". That must have sucked.

Back to the game, the only thing I could say to any player was to apologize to M's starting pitching Erik Bedard for throwing yet another gem, only to end up with the loss because M's GM Bill Bavasi is a high functioning retard and forgot that the team has to bat every half inning.

Mariners starting pitchers currently have the toughest job in baseball. If they make one mistake, the game is over. Having that kind of pressure will only wear on these guys.

My mom and I split after the seventh because down 2-0, and Jamie Burke, Cairo and Ichiballz batting in the eighth, the team really stood no chance of winning.

And that's the beauty of the Diamond Club. Because no matter how much money you spend on tickets and how much food you eat, nothing can help the Mariners hit. So you leave the game physically feeling like the pregnant man, mentally angry like Reverend Wright.

Griffey Dreamin

I awoke this morning from a dream that I’ve had several variations of over the last four years.

In my dream, I saw Geoff Baker’s Seattle Times Mariners Blog page. The headline read, “HITTING COACH FIRED”. The lead sentence went on to say the M’s axed Jeff Pentland after he complained about an imminent acquisition involving Ken Griffey Jr.

Now I realize I’m coming off like Paula Abdul on the sauce, but am I really that nuts?

Long before everyone jumped on the “Bing Back Junior” bandwagon, I was busy assembling the damn bandwagon. I’ve agonized over different trade scenarios that would send Junior back to his real home. And at this point, I truly don’t believe it would take much.

The Reds surely won’t pick up Junior’s $16.5 million option next year, so they might as well get something in return while they can. Why not dangle Ryan Feierabend and Jeremy Reed? (Throwing in Reed wouldn’t make much sense on the Reds side. I just want him gone from the organization. Too many bad memories). Simply put, the M’s are flush with mediocre AAA pitching. The Reds are flush with too many outfielders and not enough AAA pitching (they seem to prefer AA).

This deal needs to happen because for as good as they will be, Wlad Balentien and Jeff Clement simply can’t be relied upon to salvage the M’s disastrous offense. This deal needs to happen because bringing back Junior opens up endless lineup possiblities (Junior in right, Balentien in left, Ibanez at first, Clement DH/Junior at DH, Balentien in right, Clement at first, etc.). I’d even support using Griffey’s “fun lineup” from 1993. This deal needs to happen because not only is Junior the best player from my generation, he is also a great person. Does anyone remember this Ruthian act? Even yesterday, still mourning the loss of his best friend, Junior damn near hit a bomb in his honor until rat boy Felix Pie climbed the wall and brought it back.

But most importantly, this deal needs to happen because this Mariners team will be out of contention before June 1 if it doesn’t. Mariners GM Bill Bavasi needs to make this move now. For the first time in a long time, the M’s starting pitching is ripe. Unfortunately, the hitting is rotten. Junior would stabilize the shaky offense. He would also stabilize my shaky state of mind.